COLORADO SPRINGS, COLO. -- Relationships can be difficult.
It does not take an expert to say when you merge two lives together, there is going to be some conflict involved.
But for some couples, there comes a point when one spouse actively begins to withhold emotional and sexual intimacy, leading to a relationship style that is similar to having a roommate, not a lover.
It is a problem known as "Intimacy Anorexia," and health professionals said it is ending thousands of marriages every year.
"It was a lot of fun, I mean the first 10 days we dated was a lot of fun, and then I left and it was long distance, so still a lot of fun," Cory Schortzman said.
Cory and Kerry Schortzman said they never had any intimacy problems when they were dating.
The couple, who have been married for 12 years and have four daughters, said it was after their wedding that things began to change.
"Once we were married, I noticed that things began to unravel," Cory said. "I pushed her away both emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, and from there on it became hard work."
For years Cory and Kerry said they tried to ignore what was going on, blaming what they were experiencing on busy schedules and no time.
But eventually it all came to a boiling point.
"About seven years ago, after the birth of our third daughter, I began to share with Kerry my problem with lust and fantasy," Cory said. "So for several weeks we were up to the wee hours of the morning arguing, talking, being intimate, and then arguing some more, and then finally one night we hit bottom and were being physical with each other on the floor in rage."
Immediately Kerry said she left home, and with the help of her family, staged an intervention in an attempt to get Cory help.
"It was surreal, it was like is this really happening, and when I was looking at him I just kept thinking he looks like a deer in headlights, like he does not care, he does not want to salvage this," Kerry said.
What Cory and Kerry were experiencing was "Intimacy Anorexia," although in their relationship, Cory was the anorexic, using his addiction to lust and fantasy as an escape from real life.
"He kind of wanted to have everything, he wanted the family picture but he also wanted to go have other relationships, so that was really hurtful to me," Kerry said.
In an attempt to salvage their marriage, Cory and Kerry came to Colorado Springs for a three-day intensive therapy session at Heart to Heart Counseling Center with Dr. Douglas Weiss.
Dr. Weiss specializes in "Intimacy Anorexia" and "Sexual Addiction," among other things.
"The dating place is great, anorexics just like everybody else are fun to be with, but when that wedding ring gets on, months or in the first year they start shutting down significantly, they do not give their heart anymore," Weiss said.
Dr. Weiss said there are four causes of "Intimacy Anorexia": sexual trauma, sexual addiction, poor role models, and a cross-gender attachment with a parent of the opposite sex.
He said some of the criteria for an anorexic includes withholding praise, love and sex from your spouse, using anger or silence to control your spouse, or staying so busy you have little time for your spouse.
"If you are in an 'Intimacy Anorexia' relationship, you would have said 'I feel like a roommate, I feel alone, I feel disconnected several times,'" Weiss said.
Dr. Weiss said the reason "Intimacy Anorexia" only affects married couples, is the fact that once the ring goes on, another person has access to your heart 24/7.
"The marriage demands intimacy like no other relationship, so therefore this problem surfaces upon that demand," he said.
Despite how long couples suffering from "Intimacy Anorexia" have been dealing with the problem, Weiss said with treatment and hard work spouses can regain the love, friendship and intimacy they once knew.
It is a journey Cory and Kerry embraced, and now seven years into their recovery they are helping others whose marriages are suffering.
"You need to get out of that lie, and talk about the problem you, your wife or husband are having, and get some help professionally if needed," Cory said.
Below is a checklist of criteria and symptoms for "Intimacy Anorexia":
- Staying so busy that you have little time for your spouse
- When issues come up your first reflex or response is to blame your spouse
- Withholding love from your spouse
- Withholding praise from your spouse
- Withholding sex from your spouse or not being present during sex
- Unwilling or unable to share your authentic feelings with your spouse
- Using anger or silence to control your spouse
- Having ongoing or undergrounded criticism (spoken or unspoken) towards your spouse
- Controlling or shaming your spouse regarding money or spending
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